Gay · is · the · new · Black

I am so confused today. im missing ben like whoa. he was so crazy and awful for awhile, but now he's on meds, and being so sweet. i remember why i love him. we were so crazy together. i miss our silliness, our star trek, our sonic runs and ice cream runs and movie nights and complicated nights and kisses and lunches and trysts and laundry nights and kisses and marble slab and crossword while i waited for him and walks and surprise dates and bagels and kisses!
i want to move on, but there is no one i know that i have that electric compatibility with that i need to get over ben. there are people i'm attracted to, and i know a couple of guys that are attracted to me, but there's a spark missing. ben and i were so totally compatible that it'll be hard to get over. i've never clicked so completely with anyone before, i was never embarrassed to tell him things or ask him things. he taught me so much and he had exactly the dominant personality type that compliments my own.
i miss my baby.

i have my own fab five.all of my friends are gay men, who bring more gay men into my life... theyre all great, but i need some girls and some straight men. stat.
chris is home. i hope to see him today. other than that,i go out or have people over every night, and yet my life is incredibly boring! haha.

what an odd week. i confuse myself sometimes.
had a couple of really great gatherings with friends.
a couple of really great conversations with people i care about.
a really fun night.
some fun workdays
and some shit workdays.
missed out on nick-time.
but joe is home.
officially moved into the new place.
eating veg at home.
life is interesting.

Dear Diary, i found a new apartment! and i'm living with PJ. good scenario. good apartment. good location. and it assuages my irritation with katie about the katie donovan situation. i'm eager to move out, i admit. mom and freddy (and the dogs) drive me crazy. i'm going to keep working at easy aces. for now. and perhaps pick up another job at sbux or something. i am so pleased. and chris joe and nick are all coming home in the next few weeks. and i have a HOME!!
-Audrey

I am finally starting my new job. tomorrow i go to my gramma's. and then monday...my new tattoo. woot! I'm feeling really high almost all the time, which is cool (not stoned, elevated mood) but it means i'm not sleeping much. At least I'm happy though. I've decided to pursue some minimal kind of relationship with my father. So far, i've just talked to my uncle. Next step is actually emailing my father. eep.

I am feeling so good lately, organizing and cleaning. My memory/focus is returning, i'm losing the weight from the thyroid problem. i found a place to live, all is well. i'm designing my bags again, and they are really coming along.
i am so melancholy for Dave though. I miss him so much. frequently, it seems like he's not dead. I just feel like i haven't run into him in a while. but i'm still grieving. i know grief is normal, but i sometimes wonder if it's normal to feel it so strongly this long after the event. it's been more than two years, and i still feel it so strongly. i probably dwell on it more than i should, but it's hard not to, i see dave-ish things everywhere. i just try to remember him more than i miss him.
i should stop listening to sad music so much.

I really do love my life sometimes. This weekend i worked the New Bedford Summerfest, which was really fun. i like doing the festivals. In other, even more exciting news, i got a wicked flattering haircut. i love it! And i'm really pleased, because everyone else has been complimenting it a lot. i hit gold! i should follow my whims more often. i didn't plan to do anything drastic, i just wanted a trim, but i got impulsive, and chopped about 5" off. liberating.
i went out with Geoff and Katie and her roommate Dani last night. so much fun. frosty freez and the last 3 innings of the gull's game. ha ha, an early, alcohol free evening with an amaral... who'd ever have thought it?
and joe will be home aug. 13, i'm excited. nick and chris will be home then too, and maybe even rob. August will be a busy month.
so Friday night i went out with katie, just the 2 of us, which was really a good time, katie even went to the landing. and PAID A COVER just for me. i feel really loved.
i talked to my sister for the first time in 6 months, and made things right again, which means i'm going to go visit her and see ILC and Lily-bean and probably Jared in the next couple of weeks. awesome. so basically, while nothing is perfect, i dare to be optimistic and happy.

Tonight it's raining. not hard, just enough to make the world smell clean, and to remind me of early mornings in PA. i really miss camp, and i can't believe i'm not there right now, talking about Matt's fireworks display with Oliver and Zornow. i regret not going back. big time.
i just went to see transformers (which was aweseome). it made me think of all those afternoons with Joe Perreira. achingly nostaligic. i long for those days to a painful degree.
it also made me think of ben, which is less emotionally charged, but sad nonetheless. i wish he hadn't turned out to be so crazy. and i hadn't realized i was not into the crazy.
ben, in turn made me think of Dan. that was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made.i really loved him, and i probably should have married him when he asked. but i just always thought that when he came home, it'd be the same. i was crushed when he got married. but honestly, i don't know that i would have made a good army wife. the universe found him someone better suited, from what i hear.
well, everyone has regrets, but i have happy things in my life too, so i'll stop moping. coming up with so many questions is hard work, i had best get to thinking.

i basically spent my day watching little house on the prairie and scrubs. i found a killer birthday card for a couple of good friends. i need a haircut. there's no food in the house. i'm confused as to what to do with this summer. i spent most of the day curled up with my dogs, which was awesome. and i've also been playing a weird get to know you game with chris, with interesting results. i'm really glad we're friends again.

so i just worked the tall ships festival, and it was really fun. and i'm in LOVE with a couple of pirates. i wish men still dressed like that. so jaunty. and lets just say it, feathered hats and swords are hot. next weekend i'm working summerfest in new bedford, but, since there won't be pirates, it probably wont be as fun. sigh.
i met a crazy medieval person on day one of tall ships. she's into SAC, and a total nut about it. it sounds a little fun, but my mom made me give her my email, and now i expect i'll be flooded with info about jousts and such. apparently, there is a very active Barony not far from here.
anyway, i'm sunburned, bug-bit, and exhausted, but it was amazing, and i can't wait til the next festival.i'm even working on my own stuff again, in anticipation of working at other festivals.
also, i managed to slit my wrist open on a tent peg. awesome. but i'm feeling good anyway.

Dear Diary,
Men are so confusing. Try as I might, i don't understand any of the ones I know, not even Joe. Hell, not even my brothers. I am particularly at a loss to comprehend any of the species that I am currently engaged in conversation and interaction with. Unfathomable. I think I'm going to be a cat lady, since my other options aren't promising.

I am sad to say that a really wonderful girl, Stephanie Leung, dies last night. She was a counselor at ILC with me, and one of the sweetest, most adorable girls you could ever hope to meet. She was a tiny little bundle of energy, and i still can't quite grasp that all of that energy and life was silenced by something so seemingly innocent, chinese food. Peanut allergy. She went into anaphalaxis, and he epi pen wasn't enough to save her. There was nothing that could be done by the time she finally reached the hospital. Unbelievable. things like this don't HAPPEN at ILC. and no one is supposed to die from food allergies, epi pens are supposed to be a cure. I'm just...in shock. RIP Stephanie.

So, on a whim, because i can't sleep, i was surfing the internet tonight, and happened upon hanson.net. fortuitous indeed, because i discovered that their brand new tour starts right here in providence in just one month. needless to say, i will be buying my ticket within moments of their going on sale on wednesday. i'm so excited i could just scream, however, it's late, my family is asleep. so i have to content myself with quiet squealing and bouncing up and down. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! too bad none of my friends will go with me. But for Hanson, i will brave my fear of going out alone. I AM SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY BREATHE!!!

so hello there world. i have been, not busy, but distracted for a pretty long while.um, i am home from SC, which is both depressing and wonderful in different ways. i love being back where my friends are. i miss cheap beer being available at the gas station. i am apartment hunting and job hunting. taking summer classes, which are fun. my biggest and best news is that i found a flattering strapless bra that fits. hm. my life is not that interesting...